CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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