My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
