we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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