yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
