Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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