i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
