I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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