I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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