I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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