drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
