I wish my penis had an off switch
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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