So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
