Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
