So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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