And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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