True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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