I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have tasted many bathrooms
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
