I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
