We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
