the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
