Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
