You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
