There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
