We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
