I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
