Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
