so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize