so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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