im holly from the hills drunk
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize