Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
