she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
