You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
