Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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