So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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