just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
