I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
