mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
