No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
