Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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