you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
