So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
