I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
