My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
