He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
