you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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