Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
