You're a womanizer and a bitch.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
