go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
