why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
