hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
