the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
