Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
