one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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