if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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