i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
