Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
