Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
