Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Blood and glitter go together right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Let's get the cat blown out
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
