He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
its not stalking. its research.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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