but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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