I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
