He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
