tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
