Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
